Letters of hate, letters of hidden love
by annuarizonatorres
Summary: What if Callie decides that she doesn't want to talk to Arizona anymore ? This fanfiction describes their new way of communicating : letters and messages written in a white board. Let me know what you think about it, I'll be posting short chapters everyday.
1. My dearest enemy

2.33 p.m 09/30/2013

Arizona,

I'm not even saying "dear", because it would be absolutely pointless. I really do not want to talk to you and I am not interested in seeing you either, so I decided I'm going to write what I need to tell you on this amazing white board near the door, if you have anything to tell me, please use it, because if you try to talk to me, I'm not gonna listen. I don't want you to talk to me in any way : neither by phone calls, nor by text can call me only and, I repeat, **only**, if Sofia is with you and she needs something that you don't have or if she's sick. Since we haven't had the chance to sell Mark's appartment I'm staying there because Meredith is back home with baby Bailey so, if **Sofia** needs anything, you can just knock at my door. Apparently I keep being lucky this year and yesterday I found out that I'll be working with doctor Moore, so I'll be joining your noticeably useless group counseling sessions on Monday and on Friday.

I thought about some kind of schedule for Sofia, let me know what you think about it. She is staying with me on Monday (all day long), on Tuesday (all day long), on Friday (all day long) and on Sunday afternoon and night. She'll be with you on Wednesday (all day long), on Thursday (all day long), on Saturday (all day long) and on Sunday morning.

Callie.

_ 9.54 p.m 09/30/2013_

_Calliope,_

_ I like our new way of communicating, it makes everything so nice and pleasant. I feel the warmth of our love._

_Don't worry about Sofia, she'll be just fine with me, I am a good mother, even if you don't seem to understand that. I might be a horribe wife, but I am a great mtother, I care about our daughter. I'm okay with the schedule, but don't you think it would be better (**FOR SOFIA'S SAKE**) to have some family moments ? I know you do not consider me as your family anymore, but she does and she doesn't understand what's going on and there's ABSOLUTELY NO WAY to explain this to her. She wouldn't understand why she doesn't get to play with both her moms at night. She knows that nights are family time, she likes it when we play all together, she likes her bath time with us and she likes when we read her favorite bedtime stories together. She's a little kid. I know you're just trying to avoid me and you don't want to see me, but..._

**_JUST THINK ABOUT IT, will you ?_**

**_FOR HER, NOT FOR ME._**

_ Arizona._

**So this is my newest fanfiction, just an idea I got after the season premiere. Let me know what you think about this... I'll be posting daily and the chapters will be short, like this one, hope you guys like this ! **


	2. Love the way you hate me

7.30 a.m 10/01/2013

I perfectly know that you are a great mother and you're a pretty good surgeon too.

But yes, you suck at being a wife. Maybe you're terrible at being my wife, you should try with other women.

You're probably right, Sofia's already confused, I don't want to make her even more upset and worried, I love her and I need her to be happy. I really cannot deal with her being sad, I cannot see her upset and crying over her mommies being broken. Here's the deal : we'll have dinner together every Sunday, we'll play together till her bedtime and then I'll just go back at Mark's. We just have to make her think that we're fine, even if we're not. I know it sounds stupid, but Sofia can't pay for our mistakes.

Well, she can't pay for _your_ mistakes.

She needs her mommies to be amazing like we've always been, we have to play pretend. I'm not going to tell her :

"Listen, baby, you're mum is a slut, get over it."

I wish I could, by the way. But she's so little and careless, I'm surely not going to ruin her childhood because you are amazingly self-centered.

Callie.

10.15 a.m 10/01/2013

_I know you said only on Sunday night, but...Would it be so bad to have a night together even during the week ? I mean... She does know that we work a lot, but we usually try to have dinner together anytime we can..._

_I know you consider me a slut, but I'm not self-centered, you need to stop saying that. Only because I happened to sleep with another woman doesn't mean I suddenly stopped caring about you and about our family. You and Sofia are still the most important things in my life, I wish you could understand that.  
_

_Sometimes people do make bad choices, but it doesn't necessarily make them bad people._

_Arizona._

_7.27 p.m 10/01/2013_

I already know that.

If you like dinners together so much, you should think before putting your head between somebody else's legs, Arizona.

Now, it's too late. It's not "usually" anymore.

I don't think you're a bad person, and I do know that you love Sofia, I know that you care a lot about her. The problem here is not "Is she going to hurt Sofia in any way ?" Becuase I'm sure you would never hurt Sofia and, honestly, it's the only thing that I care about right now. But when you came back from Africa, I told you I didn't want you in my life, because I was sure that you were going to hurt me again... And you did. You're not a bad person, you're just a bad wife.

Callie.

_9.33 .m 10/01/2013_

_Come on, Callie. _

_I did something wrong, the whole planet knows that. I am asking for two dinners together for _Sofia_, not for your slutty wife. What about Wednesdays ?_

_**PLEASE CALLIE, PLEASE**._

_P.S : I'm sorry I've been a bad wife, I'm sorry I'm not what you deserve._

_Arizona._

**_I want people to know that I do not think everything that I make Callie and Arizona say. I'm just making them react. Enjoy !_**


	3. Deal

7.45 a.m 10/02/2013

Fine.

I can punish you for what you've done to me and for what you've done to our family, but I won't punish Sofia for your slutty behavior.

See you tonight.

Callie.

_8.30 a.m 10/02/2013_

**_AWESOME._**

_Thank you, Callie.  
_

_It means a lot to me, really. _

7.30 p.m, Wednesday evening 10/02/2013 Callie and Arizona spend the night with Sofia.

"Come on, it's already awkward to pretend we're a happy family with our daughter, how do you think I can do it in front of your parents ?" Callie sighed loudly "Can't you just call them and tell them the truth ? I'm not gonna pretend you're my perfect wife, because you're not, Arizona."

"_Please, Callie. Just listen to me. Please !_" Arizona begged. "_They don't know what happened between us, they're coming here for a weekend ! I don't think it would be so difficult to make them believe we're still happy. I want them to believe we're still happy._"

"That's not my problem." Callie said, looking away.

Luckilly, Sofia was already asleep. Arizona took her glass of wine and then she handed another glass to her broken wife.

"_Callie. I need you to pretend I didn't cheat on you._" she finally said, trying to avoid eye contact with the brunette.

"Are you kidding me ?" she drank her whole glass of wine "Are you serious ? Because it's not funny, not at all."

"_I'm not kidding. _

_My parents are old, they have their own picture of me and... Callie, everyone hates me for what I did to you and I hate myself too because I know that I hurt you, but I want to keep my parents far away from this._"

There was a moment of silence, the only udible sound was the the wine being drank by Callie, she wasn't even bothering using a glass, she was drinking directly from the bottle.

"Our wedding is making me an alcoholic." she said, before taking another bottle from the fridge. "I really like your parents. They do not deserve to suffer because of you. Too many people are risking to suffer because of your slutty behavior.

Think about it." she took a new glass and started drinking again.

"_Callie, you shouldn't drink that much_."

"Yeah and you shouldn't sleep with other people. By the way... When are they coming ?"

"_Next saturday, at about 9 a.m_"

"But you'll be at work."

"_Yes, I know... I'm gonna ask Owen if I can go pick th..._"

"No, no... It's fine, I'll go." she sighed again "I'll go to the airport with Sofia and I'll take them here. We'll have lunch together and we'll wait for you.

We'll pretend to be fine, we'll make them sleep at Mark's and I'll sleep here, on the couch." Callie said, already regretting her own words.

"_On the couch ? Are you sure ? You hate sleeping on the couch. You weren't sleeping on the couch even after the plane crash, when..."_

"When you didn't want me in your bed." Callie finished the blonde's sentence, trying not to start crying "Guess what ? Apparently we've traded places. I do not want you in my bed."

Arizona sighed loudly "_I know, I am sorry. Thank you for what you're doing._"

"Yeah, sure." Callie said, getting up and walking towards their bedroom.

Arizona got up and followed the latina "_Where are you going ?_" She asked, confused

"I need some clothes. Sofia spit her food on my pajamas and I need another one for tonight." Callie explained, looking for her stuff.

"_She did what ?_" Arizona asked, even more confused

"She spit her food." Callie repeated, now staring at Arizona "What ?" She asked, a little perplexed. "Oh, come on. Don't do that ! You have your worried doctor face, why ? She's a kid, it's perfectly normal, Arizona !"

"_It's not normal. _

_She has never spit her food before and she did the same thing tonight during dinner. It's a kind of behavior she uses to gain our attention. She knows that there is something wrong._" Arizona explained, worried and trying, once again, to avoid Callie's eyes. When she heard her wife's laughter, she lift her head to look at her.

"Come on, she's just a kid." Callie walked in Sofia's room and looked at her, asleep in her little bed. "She's fine. She's lucky, she doesn't understand what's going on."

Callie turned around to walk away, but she found Arizona in her way to the door. She found herself so close to her wife that she felt like kissing her.

"I wish I was her. It wouldn't hurt this much."

That night, Arizona cried herself to sleep.


	4. She has lost her dad

8.30 a.m 10/03/2013

I'm only helping you with your parents because I know you're trying to be the best that you can for Sofia. I hope you'll be able to do so, since you have miserably failed trying to be the best wife for me. I think Sofia will love to spend some time with her grandparents, the last time she saw them was on our wedding and I don't think she remembers a lot. We should have sent them more pictures, or invite them more.

I'll pretend everything's fine just for once, Arizona. I'm not pretending that you're my perfect life for my whole life, you're a grown up. You made a choice and it has consequences, if you're not ready to deal with consequences, then think before doing things you'll regret.

Callie.

_9.53 p.m 10/03/2013_

_Thank you so much, Callie._

_I know it's hard for you to see me but, believe me, it's hard for me too. _

_I know I don't deserve to be treated nicely and I will tell them what I did to you and to our family, it's just that I am not ready. It's the first time they see us after our wedding and I want them to have at least two days of happiness with us. Sofia deserves to be happy, she deserves to have the best life we can give her and I don't think seeing us fighting every day would be "the best life we can give her". She doesn't deserve that, she's a great kid and I know it's my fault if she's not gonna have a "normal family", but I do regret what I did, Callie. I know you think that I am self-centered, but I keep thinking about her. She's lost her dad. She can't lose me too._

_Arizona_

**_I know that today it's really short, but I have prepared something much longer for tomorrow.  
_**


	5. In the woods

7.32 a.m 10/04/2013

When I said "apparently I lost you", I meant that I did lose you, even if you're still here, even if you're still alive. Mark is gone, I know that, but...

You're gone too, Arizona and Sofia knows 're not the person I chose to spend my life with.

_8.15 a.m 10/04/2013_

_This morning I woke up at around eight o'clock, because Sofia was with Callie. I got up and made myself a cup of coffee, while waiting for the coffee to be ready I decided to check the whiteboard. My last message had been erased and there was a new one, written by Callie._

"You're gone too, Arizona and Sofia knows that.  
You're not the person I chose to spend my life with."

_My heart broke almost instantly. I could actually feel those words cutting my skin like knives, I started breathing heavily and I couldn't stop the tears from falling. This has to change, I need to do something.  
Callie is already at work, but I desperately need to talk to her. As I walk into the hospital entrance, I feel my heart beating faster than usual. I leave my stuff in my office, wear my white coat and take the elevator to the orthopedic floor. I find one of the nurses and ask her where Callie is, luckily I find out that she's in her office, having breakfast. I wait for a few moments before knocking. My heart is bouncing out of my chest. I knock, she answers almost immediately._

_"_Come in._" I hear her saying. As I walk in, I see her expression rapidily changing. "_Oh my God ! What happened ? Is she okay ? Where's my baby ?_" _

_Right. I'm only allowed to talk to her if Sofia's sick._

_"She's fine." Callie slowly sits down and takes a sip of her coffee._

_"_You're not supposed to be here._" She says, angrily._

_"I know._

_But I need to have a conversation. Now." I say, firmly looking at her._

_Callie waits for a minute, drinks some more coffee and then looks back at me. _

_"_Fine. Talk.

I'm going to listen to you._"_

_As she says this, I realize I haven't even bothered thinking about what I should tell her. She looks so angry and upset that I'm scared I might make it worse._

_"I'm sorry." I begin. "For everything. I'm sorry because I kept screaming at you, I'm sorry because I kept blaming you, I'm sorry because I'm a bitch._

_But we've been through a lot and all our fights and all our break-ups have made us stronger. When... When I proposed to you that day, I was scared you might say no. But then it didn't matter anymore, because the only thing I cared about was your life. I wanted you to live. Then you woke up, even if Derek had said it was unlickly to have the chance to talk to you ever again. The first thing you said was yes, yes, I'll marry you and I won't ever forget that moment." I smile at the memory and Callie does too. "I was so happy. You could talk, you could think, you could move. You were fighting and Sofia was fighting, my girls are fighters. I kept saying that, because I was proud of your strength. After our wedding, everything was so perfect. Then something went wrong, because I decided to take Alex's place on that freaking plane and..."  
_

_"_and I was punished because I chose your life over your leg_." she sighs "_Do you realize how stupid it sounds ?_"_

_The problem is that I do. _

_"Maybe you should have let me die."_

_She looks at me, astonished. She doesn't know what to say, she just stares at me._

_"I mean... Look at us now. We're fighting over something I couldn't even consider before... That day." I wish she could understand what I am trying to say, but it's so difficult to talk when it comes to the leg and the crash. "It would have hurt, at the beginning, but eventually..."_

_"_Sofia's lost her dad and I have lost my best friend. I know you don't consider that loss real, but it is real. It hurt, a lot and I was alone to deal with that.

But where are you, Arizona ?

I knew it would be a mistake to let them cut your leg. That's why I had a plan, an amazing plan because I am a freaking badass orthopedic surgeon and I work with infected limbs almost every day. I was working on it, but Owen wouldn't let me do it.

she's your wife he said not your patient. But you weren't my wife, you aren't my wife. I had to consider you as a patient in order to make my wife come back. I knew cutting your leg would sending you back to the woods and losing you forever.

I was sadly right.

I told him that I needed you as much as Sofia needed her mommy. I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew that cutting it off would be much harder. What did you expect me to say when Alex rushed into my O.R screaming

she's crashing ?"

_She stops to wipe away a few tears from her cheeks. It hurts so much to hear her broken voice telling me things that I thought were destroying only me._

_"_I didn't have the time to make my plan work. You were too weak and your body couldn't control the infection anymore.

You were dying.

I knew I was ruining your life when I made the call. I knew I was ruining our marriage. But it didn't matter, Arizona. I decided it was better to see you hating me rather than being forced to visit you in a greveyard_."_

_She looks at me, intensively._

"I want to make it clear. I would do it again. I'll do everything in my power to keep you alive, Arizona. You can't even imagine how I wish the woman I fell in love with could come back.

I have patients to see_."  
_

_I find myself alone in Callie's office, trying to figure out what to do next. There are so many things I need to process, so many things I need to think about. It's pretty clear that she still loves me, but I don't think she'll ever take me back. _

_Mostly because I'm not the person she fell in love with, I'm not the perky blonde woman she felt attracted to when we met. I'm not the woman who followed her in the bathroom and Joe's and then kissed her._

_That person is still in the woods._


	6. Bringing her back

**_I know this is very short, but since tomorrow's Sunday the chapter is going to be much longer._**

_5.06 p.m 10/05/2013_

_It took me a while to turn my thoughts into actual words. It was hard to find a way to make you understand what's going on in my mind, but I actually think I'll never be able to do that. I know that you're at home, I heard you at lunch and I know I should probably just get up and knock at your door. The problem is that I am not allowed to talk to you and I am happy because yesterday you gave me the chance to try. Today I'll use your method, it's fine, I just have too many things to tell you, Calliope._

_I didn't know you had a plan to save my leg. I didn't know you were arguing with Owen about me and I didn't know you were actually thinking about operating on me. I know I have never asked you who performed my surgery, but knowing that Alex did makes me... A little sick. I knew it couldn't be you, since you're my wife and you're not allowed to operate on family members but I still don't understand why you chose Alex.  
You were right, deciding to cut off my leg could possibly ruin my life and it did. But it didn't ruin our marriage, we're not at this point because of the leg, we're here because of me. We're here because I'm not the person you deserve by your side anymore. I wish I could be that person, I wish I could be your perky and always smiling wife, but I am not. I don't think it's my fault if I'm like this, I know I have changed because of the plane crash and, even if I'm trying, I think there's not much that I can do to be what you need. I wish I could just go back in time when we were happy, when our biggest fights were about Mark and me cooking. I wish we could just go back and fix everything just by kissing each other. This time is not that easy, we won't fix everything with a look, with a smile. Because we're not those poeple anymore and, sadly, I think your wife's still in the woods._

_But I'm trying to bring her back for you, Calliope._


	7. Family again

10/06/2013

"D you want me to cook ?" Callie asked, a little bit nervous. "I can cook, if you want."

"Y_ou cook better than I do_." Arizona said, nervous. She felt like she was having her first date with Callie again. "_You should cook_."

It was weird, Callie wasn't used to cooking in that kitchen anymore and she surely wasn't feeling comfortable when Arizona was around. It made her feel uneasy. While chopping the onions, she looked at Sofia to see her kid happily playing with Arizona, she instantly smiled at the sight. Seeing her wife and child playing together made her want to forget about the cheating, she just wanted to be happy like she used to be. She wanted her family back, she wanted moments like that one to be normal. She knew she couldn't take Arizona back, she had to be strong. Arizona wasn't the person she had accepted to marry, she was just her beautiful shell, with nothing inside.

_"Hey, what's mama doing ?_" Arizona asked, giggling

"Food !" Sofia answered, smiling and looking at Callie "for Sofia !" she added.

Callie noticed that Sofia was playing with Arizona's necklace and she felt a little bit guilty because she wasn't wearing it. She wondered if Sofia would notice that, because she loved to play with their necklaces whenever she had the chance.

_"You like it, huh ?_" Callie heard Arizona laughing and she tried depserately not to cry. She excused herself saying that she had to go to the bathroom. A few moments later, she found herself in her old bedroom. She looked around to see that everything was where it was supposed to be, Arizona was keeping their bedroom exaclty like Callie had left it. There was a piece of paper in her side of the bed, curious, Callie read it.

**_"You're gone too, Arizona and Sofia knows that._**

**_You're not the person I chose to spend my life with._**"

What did that mean ? Why would Arizona copy something she had told her ?

Callie turned around to go back to the kitchen, but she saw Arizona on the doorway, staring at her.

"_You didn't say a word about my white board message._"

"Why do you have that quote written down ?"

"_As a reminder._" Arizona said. "_And as a motivational post_."

Callie looked at her, confused. She still didn't understand.

"_A reminder that if I am here alone at night it's my fault. And it's my fault if I don't wake up next to you or if I don't have the chance to sneak out of bed to make you coffee before the alarm goes off anymore. As a motivational post because I really want to be the one you chose to spend your life with._" The blonde explained. "_I need to be that person. I need to wake up before you do, make you coffee to make you less nervous in the morning. I need to fall asleep next to you and wake up to see how beautiful you are when you sleep. I need to come home to find you playing with Sofia in the living room. I need to drink my glass of wine with you when our kid falls asleep at night. I need to laugh with you whenever you try to teach me how to cook fancy dinners. I need to know that I can count on you anytime I need you. I need to know that we're happy, I need to know that you're happy. I need us to be a family again."_

Callie looked down, she didn't want Arizona to notice that she was smiling. She felt proud of her, because she was finally trying to gain control of her life, she was trying to be her old self again.

"I didn't talk to you about my plan because I haven't had the time to. I just needed some more time. I chose Alex to be your surgeon because he was the one to tell me that you were...dying. I trusted him and he did a good job.  
We should go, dinner should be almost ready."

That night, Callie started reconsidering couples therapy. She wanted to try, because Arizona was trying to be a better person, she was fighting to have her family back and Callie felt happy about this. She wanted to help her, because she knew that Arizona needed her help. But first, she wanted something.


	8. Therapist

6.45 a.m 10/07/2013

Here's the deal.

You go see a therapist and then I'll think about couples therapy. You need to talk, I know that, but I think you should figure out some things on your own. If you're willing to do this, I'm willing to do couples therapy. I want you to get some help, for as long as you need. And, please, don't stop when we start couple therapy. You need that, it's for your sake. I saw yesterday that you're trying to be better, not only for Sofia, but for me too but, Arizona, in order to get better, you need therapy. I'm not saying this because I think that you're completely mad, but you need help, professional help. You've been through a lot and we've never thouhgt about your ptsd, even if we both know that, if not treated and controlled, it can cause serious damage to you and to the people around you. I'm going to help you, as much as I can, but, apparently, what I do is not enough, that's why I am proposing therapy for you and, only after that, for us, together. If you're not willing to do this for yourself, then do it for me, for Sofia and for our family. Please, try to think about this and let me know what you want to do.

Callie.

_7.30 a.m 10/07/2013_

_Deal accepted. _

_Only because I want couples therapy. I'm sure it'll help us. Thank you for last night, it was nice to have some time with you and Sofia, it helps me, a lot. Family time is not considered important by so many people in the world but, for me, it's the most amazing part of the week. It's nice to see that you're trying to help me and that you're by my side even after everything that I've done to you and, even if I wasn't thinking about going to therapy on my own, I'll do it if you think it could help me in my idea of being better for you._

_P.S : How many times do I need to see a therapist to convince you ?_

_Arizona_

8.25 p.m 10/07/2013

What about I have no idea ? A lot, anyways. It's important. For you and for Sofia.

You don't have to think about our relationship now, think about yourself and our kid. Focus on important things, because I can wait. Before fixing our wedding, you need to get better. Because if you keep blaming me, if you keep feeling the need to scream at me, we can't get better. You need to go see a therapist and figure out wheter you still love me, or if you will never forgive me for chosing your life over our leg.

Callie.

**Thank you guys for all the nice reviews !**


	9. Worthless

7.15 a.m 10/08/2013

_Callie,_

_ You and Sofia are the important things in my world. Our marriage is important, but if you think that I have to be somehow fixed... I'll get somebody to fix me. I really don't know what to do, Callie, but I know I'm not the same person anymore. I just wish we could go back in time and change what happened. I wish I had understood the importance of what was happening to Alex, but I've been quite selfish. I wanted to keep him for myself and for my department and now I'm paying the consequences. The problem is that we cannot go back in time, I'll just have to work hard to be my old self again, or at least similar to what I was before the plane crash. I promise I'll work hard to become a person that you can love again, I want to be your wife, I want you to stay in my life because you want to, not because you're forced to. _

_**I love you, Calliope**._

_And I always will, no matter what. I am so sorry, I know you're hurt because of me, but... I'm trying, I'm really trying to be better for you. I hope I'll be worth enough to be your wife again. Sofia deserves two amazing mothers, now she only has one and it's just not fair. I'm trying my best to come back. _

_I'm trying to be what you two need.  
Because you two are what I need._

_Arizona._

8.00 a.m 10/08/2013

I know that we are important.

Now you have to consider yourself and Sofia more important than me and our marriage. You have to stay focused on yourself, because if you can't feel better, then we can't feel better either.

I'm not saying that you're broken, but you do need to see a therapist. You don't need to be fixed, you just need help to work with your ptsd, because it's important to figure out your own way to deal with it. Post traumatic stress disorde is a personal and serious issue that you have to take care of as soon as possible. I'm so sorry, I should have talked you into therapy long ago, we probably wouldn't be like this now. I still remember Owen trying to strangle Cristina because the ceiling fan remembered him of helicopters during wat. His ptsd has almost made him kill is own wife, I don't want your ptsd to harm you or Sofia in any way so, please, take care of it. I work with a lot of people who suffer from ptsd and I'd like to propose to you one of my friends as your therapist. Doctor Andrew Corday is the best (in my professional opinion) in trating post traumatic stress disorder and I can call him if you want. Just think about it, it would mean a lot to me.

Arizona, I don't want to go back and realize that I am happy with you, but that you're not happy with me. Now I feel like I wasn't enough to make you happy and to help you out of the woods. I feel... Worthless.

Callie.

_10.20 p.m 10/08/2013_

_I'll figure out how to deal with my ptsd, even if I don't really think I need that kind of help. My mind tells me to go see a therapist, since I have tried for over a year to treat you the way you deserve but, apparently, I didn't exaclty succeed. I guess I'll see if he can help.  
Thank you for tonight, I'm happy because we've managed not to fight. I think Sofia begins to understand that things are... Kinda different now. She noticed that you're not wearing your necklace anymore..._

_ I have noticed that too.._

_Whenever you're here I feel like... I don't know. I'm all excited, like a teenager on her first date with her biggest crush and then... You're here and I keep thinking that** you are my wife, Callie**... But we look more like strangers forced to spend time together._

_It sucks, Calliope._

_You're not worthless, you will never be worthless. You know better than I do that I am the problem. You're just the best wife I could hope for._

_Arizona._


	10. Awkward

8.00 a.m 10/09/2013

I called Andrew and got you an apointment for friday afternoon, 4p.m. I Know that you have friday afternoons off, so I thought it would be fine with you. He works in Seattle Pres, I think you'll find him easily.

I know Sofia is beginning to notice that we're not okay, but there's nothing we can do. We can't lie, we can't pretend to be fine if we're not. Well... I can't, at least. We're not a happy family anymore, Arizona... And I don't know if we'll ever get back to being a happy family again. Since we had dinner together last night, I'm not coming over tonight, I think yesterday was enough... It's pretty hard to see you, it's hard to look at you... The whole situation is hard. I could have helped you, I could have forced you into therapy... I could have done so many things for you, but I was focused on your leg and on your phantom limb pain... I didn't... I didn't bother thinking about your ptsd, I wasn't thinking about your mind. I hope that you'll get better someday, I don't care if our marriage doesn't work out, I only care about your health and your sake. So, please... Please try everything to get better. I know it's not your fault, but... Please, work hard.

Callie.

9.30 a.m 10/09/2013

_I'm not going to work this morning, I don't have any kind of surgery to perform and Alex is taking care of my patients. I want to spend some time with Sofia, it helps a lot to see her smiling and laughing... She's so lucky, Callie, she lives in her perfect world with fluffy unicorns and rainbows, while our reality is destroying us and our life together. I wish I could explain this to her without hurting her, I wish I could give her some candies and tell her everything without compromising her happiness. She's so little and defensless, I hope we'll get through this before she becomes too smart. She already knows, Callie, she already understands that things are changing, she knows that I'm different, she knows that you're different. And I think she somehow understands that Mark is gone forever. How are we going to explain this to her once she gets older ? She has already lost too much, I'm working hard for her. She deserves an amazing future, with two loving moms living together and giving her everything she needs. _

_There was nothing you could do. _

_I was... Mad, blaming you for everything. I just kept screaming at you because I was upset and depressed and the only way to let it out was to yell at you. But it was so wrong, I should have told you that I needed your help. I was desperate and I knew that you needed me, I knew you were lost, I knew you were going through everything on your own... You were taking care of Sofia on your own, you were dealing with Mark's death on your own... And you were dealing with my attitude on your own. I should have helped you, you did everything in your power to help me. You were tying. And I couldn't see it, I didn't want to recognize that your life was revolving around me. _

_The only thing I had in my mind was : "I have only one leg."_

_I couldn't even think about Mark... I just... I regret every single day what I did to you. I should have stayed by your side. I'm sorry Callie, I'm deeply sorry._

_Arizona._

**Later that evening 10/09/2013**

Callie waited for a while before opening the door. She knew that Arizona would probably be there, but she needed to take some clothes and then she had to check the white board.

"Arizona ?" She called out. No answer. She thought the blonde would probably be in Sofia's room, playing with her. She saw that their bedroom's door was closed, she decided to open it to go look for some clothes for the week.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry." She said, looking away.

Arizona was sitting on their bed, her prosthetic was on the floor and she was trying to massage her leg.

"_No, uhm, it's okay._" She said, a little bit embarassed. "_I got... Kinda used to you_."

Callie smiled, she had waited for so long to hear Arizona say something like that.

"Pain again ?" She asked, looking at her wife.

_"Yeah... Sometimes I think I'm used to it, but then I'm not._"

"Want me to help ? I know you're trying to do it on your own, but... I'm better at it... You know, I'm an orthopedic surgeon..."

"_Yes, yes... Please. I can't even stand up." Arizona answered, ashamed. "It's annoying. I wish I could just... Do whatever I want to do whenever I want. But it's not that easy, not anymore. I have to remember that my right leg is not exactly a super leg. I want to do so many things and I always try to do everything, but it's just too much. I have played like all day long with Sofia and she kept running and she wanted me to catch her... She normally does that with you, I should tell her she's not supposed to do that with me, I can't run with her for the whole afternoon._" She explained, while looking at Callie.

Callie was standing in front of her, on Arizona's side of the bed, she kneeled down.

"You already know what I'm going to do, now. I know it might feel a little bit weird, but just pretend I'm your doctor."

"_It's not easy_." Arizona giggled. "_It was weird the first time you did it, but... It was not as awkward as it is now. I mean, you're here, making me feel absolutely better... And I know I normally would kiss you and then we know what would happen... We're in our bed, I'm half-naked, but I can't even touch you._ " Arizona sighed loudly and looked away.

"Don't tell me. I'm touching your leg. It's kinda hard here too."

They laughed together for the first time in a long time.


	11. Heartbroken

9a.m 10/11/2013

Have you heard from your parents for tomorrow ? I don't even know when I'm supposed to pick them up ! I have the whole day off, so just tell me and we'll wait for you. I'm taking some of my clothes back in our apartment, because I think they'll notice that there are only your clothes in there. Now you're working, so I guess you'll see this tonight so, as soon as you see it, text me or call me and tell me when your parents are coming tomorrow morning.

Callie.

**That night, Arizona calls Callie.**

"Hey, I just got home and figured out that calling you would be faster than texting."

"Yeah, you're probably right. How was your apointment with Andrew ?" Callie asked.

_"Uhm... Awkward ? I don't know... It just feels very very weird to talk to somebody and it's quite difficult to open up when I have to talk about the crash and about you_." She took a deep breath _"It just feels incredibly wrong, but I know it'll help. It feels wrong because I really can't imagine myself apart from you... And when I talk to me, I realize that we're really going through this. Sometimes I think it's only in my mind, but it's real, I can almost touch my sadness. _

_I'm heartbroken._"

"I'm happy to hear that you understand that it'll help, I'm sure it will help you and I'm proud of you because you're trying and that's important." Callie was smiling, she wasn't sure if she was saying too much, maybe she should have been meaner. It didn't matter. "And I know, reality sucks. Reality hurts but, believe, you're lucky if you're sometimes able to forget. Because I never do."

"_Thank you... I have another apointment on Thursday morning, before work. It's kinda difficult to find time to go there, my schedule is awful" She laughed a bit "But I'm making it work. And I'm not saying that sometimes I forget what's happening... It's just that sometimes I'm need to force myself to believe that we're okay._"

"You'll make it work and you'll eventually get used to seeing Andrew. I know it must be difficult right now, but it gets easier. You'll see progress and you'll be proud of yourself. It's important, you need to gain a little bit of confidence in yourself."

"_I'll be fine, someday._" Arizona sighed. She wasn't actually sure about what Callie was saying. Therapy could possibly help her, but it could even make everything worse. Maybe talking about everything would just make her more sad and upset. She had to believe that it could help, because Callie was so happy about her going to therapy. She had to try for her, she needed to force herself to be better.

"I know, I'm sure you'll be fine. What about your parents ?" Callie asked, almost forgetting about the real meaning of that call.

"_Their plane is scheduled to land at ten a.m. They have your phone number and they know that you'll be the one to pick them up so, if anything changes, they'll just call you and let you know !_"

"Okay, fine, that's great. You''ll be home for lunch, won't you ?"

"_Yes, yes I will. Do you want me to go grab something to eat ?_"

"Are you kidding me ?" Callie laughed out loudly "I'm gonna cook, Arizona. You'll find everything ready when you get home. Gotta go now, see you tomorrow at lunch !"

_"Thank you, see you tomorrow !"_

_She's the perfect wife. I screwed up everythig, she's damn perfect. It's my fault if our marriage is a sinking ship. I don't deserve what she's doing for me... She's mad at me but she keeps doing things for me, to make me feel better. She chose to find a therapist for me, she helped me with my leg, she's helping me with my parents and she's even cooking for them ! What's wrong with me ? _

_She's trying everything in her power to make me feel better, because she knows that I need her. Maybe I can make things better, maybe I can still save our relationship, maybe we'll get back together, eventually. I just want to close my eyes and wake up next to her, I want to kiss her, I want to make her coffee in the morning. I want to look at her while she cooks because it just makes me feel happy, I want to share everything with her. We're meant to be together and I can't go on without her, I don't feel whole. She's the perfect part of me and I am lost without her._

**OH MY GOD THE EPISODE, OH MY GOD ! I'm...I'M OH MY GOD. I'm going crazy, but I really like Arizona-April... They're funny, it was nice to see them chatting and talking about their personal issues... And I'm pretty sure April was talking about Jackson and not about Matthew. I HATE the fact that Shonda made Callie say that Arizona's dead... I mean... OH MY GOD.**


	12. Chapter 12

I'm sorry guys, this is not a new chapter. I'm using my phone, because my computer broke down and I'm not going to post new chapters till Friday, I think. On Friday I'll post seven chapters, I'm already writing them ! I'm sorry again, but there's nothing that I can do !


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